Protocols of the Elders of Google

Typical Google Employee

Typical Google Employee

Please Welcome our Special Guest Contributor: Google

We, the learned Elders of Google, having resolved to be evil after all, conclude that this “Internet” is more trouble than it’s worth. The following protocols, which are super top secret, are our step-by-step plan for unplugging the series of tubes once and for all.

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Protocol 1: Corner the Market

The first thing we need to do is lure everybody into our trap. When people look for stuff on the Internet, we need to be the only place people even think of to go to. At first, we’ll make it a charming little website, but we’ll keep adding cool stuff for free. When our competitors come up with a good product, we’ll offer a better version of it, and give it away. We’ll orchestrate a big investment bubble on the back-end to pay for all that.

GoogolopolyBy the time we have this sewn up, people won’t even think about “searching”, they’ll think about “googling”. They won’t check their “Email”. They’ll check their…”Gmail”. Their blogs will be at our spot. We’ll aggregate all their news into…Google News. Some people might express concerns about the encroaching monopoly, but they’ll probably do so on their Google web browsers. They’ll be helpless to resist our panoply of free and better stuff.

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Protocol 2: Divide and Conquer

The pervasive monopoly is necessary to split the Internet into two zones: the Overnet and the Undernet. The Overnet will be even better than the Internet, adding all kinds of proprietary bells and whistles to lure both users and content providers in. There will be practically no rules in the beginning, and even those will be rarely enforced. The Undernet will languish and atrophy, eventually becoming obsolete as our Overnet adds more and more features that only work there.

The “world wide web” will become more like a cobweb. Web designers won’t want to develop sites without the awesome new Google Widget™ (beta). Content providers won’t want to be left out of our proprietary social networking community that drives most of their traffic. Most non-technical users won’t even know where the Overnet ends and the Undernet begins, save for the stench of stale technology and tacky static HTML pages.

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Protocol 3: Quarantine the Outbreak

QuarantineWe’ll partner with service providers to offer the Google Bundle for free with their entertainment bundles. Access to the rest of the Internet will cost more. Our Overnet will be devoid of peer-to-peer filesharing and the Undernet will be clogged with it, so providers will embrace an opportunity to cut down on their traffic. The media industry will throw their full support behind this. The old Internet, the Undernet, will have lower bandwidth, will be clogged with filesharing traffic, won’t offer a lot of the cool new stuff everybody uses, and will become a den of deviants and dissidents.

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Protocol 4: Burn the Witches

At the final stage, the old unregulated non-corporate Internet will be the place where people who are bounced by our Terms of Service are relegated to. The political dissidents who are a genuine threat to our dominance will be stuck on the same network with terrorists, copyright pirates, and child pornographers. From there, all we have to do is whip up a moral panic about child pornography on the Undernet. We’ll introduce some legislation that holds the service providers accountable for these awful things, calling it the Save the Children Act.

The day that bill passes will be the day the Internet died.

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18 Responses to Protocols of the Elders of Google

  1. Randy Garver says:

    I imagined a somewhat similar, dystopian vision of the future after learning about the proposed framework between Google and Veri-

    [User terminated due to content violation.]

  2. raydb says:

    Matt,

    This is a great analysis. You’ve articulated very well what I’ve been suspecting for some time now.

    Also note Zuckerberg’s Facebook. There’s even a major Hollywood movie about it coming out next month called “The Social Network” that no doubt will serve to lionize and mythologize Zuckerberg and Facebook.

    And check out this video of some joint project between Coca-Cola, Facebook, and some Israeli IT firm called “Publicis E-dologic” (certain key security and communications IT fields are completely dominated by Israelis) that they’ve been testing that involves wearing bracelets with embedded chips that track one’s actions in the real world:

  3. Matt Parrott says:

    Randy,

    You’re an engineer in Silicon Valley, right?

    Maybe it would be a bright idea to go to their headquarters with a rambling list of demands.

    “These are the demands and sayings of Garver.”

  4. LEW says:

    Matt, Is this really in the works for the near term or is this satire?

    Not that I have any doubt the power elite has it in the cards to control the Internet.

  5. Matt Parrott says:

    LEW,

    It’s somewhere between satire and serious. Like the original Protocols, it’s an exaggerated spoof that implies far more explicit direction and evil intent than is actually at play…while accurately depicting the progression of events. Ideally, I would like to alert people in our movement to the critical importance of supporting efforts to keep the Internet from becoming proprietary, centralized, and controlled.

    “The Internet is our sword.” – Dr. David Duke

  6. Randy Garver says:

    Matt:

    Interesting idea!

    However, Google’s webcrawlers have no doubt already collected your post and passed it to the Googleplex’s predictive security system where the content has been analyzed and integrated into an action plan, ensuring that such a visit would be preemptively interdicted. Perhaps next time you might try embedding your suggestion in an obfuscated CAPTCHA-style image. Better yet, nothing beats a good PKI: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Public_key_infrastructure

    raydb:

    I’d like to imagine that Orwell might secretly delight in the blackly comedic manner in which his desolate vision of the totalitarian future has been gaily corrupted by bright corporate colors and funky beats. Hear that? Time for the Two Minutes Dance!

  7. Matt Parrott says:

    Randy,
    If Google’s predictive security system works like its ad display framework, lord knows what might happen. Alternative Right’s articles about Black crime and Jewish perfidy are almost always amusingly juxtaposed with hilarious ads for interracial dating services, Jew for Jesus, and mail-order brides

    Okay, so the mail-order bride thing might be a winner with that crowd, but you get the idea.

  8. Matt Parrott says:

    Oh, and I’m already one step ahead of you. All of the images at this site are injected with this steganographic message: REPTILIANS = JEWS. All of the articles and comments are merely an elaborate decoy.

  9. Randy Garver says:

    I wouldn’t be surprised if adsense’s basic keyword-matching algorithms are superseded by more advanced behavioral heuristics in the near future. Although, perhaps that change has already occurred and the ads you see are indicative of the readership’s amalgamated interests. I’m surmising that if true, such knowledge might not be particularly flattering, especially the mail-order bride thing.

  10. Reginald says:

    “Their blogs will be at our spot.”

    Hey man, my Blog’s at BlogSpot and they haven’t given me a hard time yet, not even for the post about [pickin’ flowers -MP].

  11. Reginald says:

    What I don’t get is why James L. Lee types do pointless things like take hostages at the Discovery Channel, when they could do so much more good for their Environmentalist and/or Anti-Establishment cause by taking the time to think out what kind of attack that could actually do real damage.

    George Sodini is another example. If he wanted to do the most good for the anti-feminist cause, he should’ve targeting the funding of the feminism supporting entity called the US Government, as opposed to individual women of no particular importance.

  12. Reginald says:

    “We’ll partner with service providers to offer the Google Bundle for free with their entertainment bundles. Access to the rest of the Internet will cost more. Our Overnet will be devoid of peer-to-peer filesharing and the Undernet will be clogged with it, so providers will embrace an opportunity to cut down on their traffic. The media industry will throw their full support behind this.”

    You mean that with the overnet you won’t have to worry about some stupid entertainment company taking cool fan made music videos off of Youtube?

  13. Pingback: Protocols of the Elders of Google | Fair and Delightsome « Mike Cane's xBlog

  14. mikecane says:

    That big pile of beta kittens, Google! Every time I think of their popcorn I want to pet them in the puppy!

    — content filtered by Google NoCurse.

  15. White Preservationist says:

    I’ve been saying thus for years. Google is the biggest internet search engine, and it’s controlled by organized Jewry. Thus organized Jewry controls a huge portion of the internet. They do block and tamper with search results.

  16. Pingback: Linkage is Good for You: Still Playing Catch-Up Edition (NSFW)

  17. Farnsworth says:

    In this story Microsoft is the hero, God help us. Bing and other MS search sites combined with Yahoo search (provided by Microsoft) now have a 27% search share. As long as you have several corporations with deep pockets competing they won’t be able to tighten the screws.

    And as you admit, this is satire, the Jews aren’t that united. Youtube, owned by Google, does far less to protect the members of the tribe in the music, television and movie business than they could. The people watching pirated music and television shows are seeing Google’s ads, after all.

  18. Wanderer says:

    Tangentially related:
    Obama’s trying to radically expand domestic surveillance powers. He wants to break the back of the power of “encryption” in electronic communications. I don’t quite understand, but it’s troubling.

    BHO is also now forcing banks to report all foreign money transfers. (Formerly only for x’fers over $10,000).

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